Emerging from the Abyss: My Experience with Workplace Burnout
Part 1 of 3 delving into workplace burnout.
If I had a superpower it would be that I can hide my feelings really well when I want to. So well, most people had no idea how close I came to falling into an abyss of nothingness a few years ago.
Burnout is discussed more often now, compared to when I was dealing with it. Or perhaps I notice it more because of my experience. Either way, burnout is not a new affliction though I believe there is a higher prevalence due to our fast-paced, hustle mentality.
The Beginning of the End
Around the 15-year mark of my nursing career, I realized I couldn’t handle the stressors for one more minute. I had reached my limit. One fall day I walked away from nursing with no intention of ever going back.
I invested a lot of time and money into my career to get to where I was. Countless weekends, holidays, on-call, covering shifts, and working overtime were part of the job that eventually wore me down.
My years of seeking to be the best and most productive nurse had left me hollow. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I was a mess.
Gosh, as I write this and think about what I was going through, I’m feeling somewhat triggered. Remorse for things I did and said to my family, friends and colleagues is coursing through me now.
Leaving wasn’t easy, especially when I knew how life-altering it would be. Conflicting thoughts were my constant companions. I wondered how I could walk away from a career I’d spent 20 years building. At the same time, how could I continue living with the emptiness inside?
The emptiness is what scared me the most.
Nurses are known for their compassion and empathy - and I was that and more in the beginning. I enjoyed caring for others and helping them in their time of need. But now I didn’t care, I’d lost interest, and it was difficult to do my job - I had nothing left to give.
Most days I cried while driving to work and then the mask would come on so I could get through until I was home again. However, I was exhibiting plenty of signs that pointed to burnout.
I was angry and impatient with everyone, I would try to ease the anxiety with alcohol and food, and every evening after bitching about how I hated my job all I could do was zone out on the couch. Being negative is not my style, but I couldn’t help myself.
Heal Thyself?
The kicker is I never learned how to prevent burnout and I for sure didn’t know how to deal with it effectively either.
They didn’t teach us about burnout in nursing school and perhaps seeing a therapist would have prevented me from crashing and burning. I think about what would have happened if I had sought professional assistance. Maybe things would have been different.
I learned a lot from this experience, and if I wished it away where would I be now? Either way, trying to change the past is impossible and I won’t waste too much time focusing on the past when I have everything I need in the here and now.
But I digress. Here I was unemployed, drifting aimlessly in a sea of pain, regret, and guilt for what I had done. At times I would be so overcome with relief because I knew I didn’t have to return to work. Shame kept me from exposing my deepest thoughts to anyone, even my husband.
These feelings and beliefs were a jumbled mess but hiking and backpacking provided solace and a quiet place for deep relaxation. Nature wrapped me in her embrace and soothed my frayed nerves.
Returning to Me
During the peaceful moments in nature, the urge to write was too strong to resist. Still, to this day, there’s nothing better than sitting on a mountaintop or under the dancing aspen leaves and allowing all my woes to come out as words on paper.
Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention developing a deep love for gardening and nature photography. Because these two hobbies also played a part in coming back to myself.
Gardening and photography remind me to slow down and notice the simple things in life. They give space for contemplation and ease me into a state of being instead of doing.
I was adamant for many years that I would never work as a nurse again but now I know I felt that way because the raw edges were still mending. It took time to see that being a nurse wasn’t the issue, how I handled the stress thrown at me was the real problem.
I’m Moving On
These last five years were a process. Learning to love myself was the first step, then learning self-care was the second. I’m not “cured” but I am back to working as a nurse and I can recognize and handle stress in healthier ways.
For example, I recently enrolled in a Master’s Degree program. It was something I had been working towards for a long time. But once I was in the thick of it I realized I’d made a mistake.
I noticed I was being pulled in too many directions and feeling that familiar sense of drowning. You know, when you try your best to accomplish all that has to get done, but you barely keep your head above the water?
I could not and would not live in that place again.
So I put my goal of getting an advanced degree on hold. There will be a time when it is right for me, and I’m at peace with my decision.
On the upside, I earned 6 graduate credits and was on the Dean’s list for a 4.0. I proved to myself I could excel at graduate level courses. I’m finally back on the path towards self-confidence and self-worth.
AND I’m proud of myself for recognizing that something was too much to handle. In the past, I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have stubbornly continued to the detriment of my mental & emotional health.
Coming up Next
Stay tuned for part 2 (now available!) It’s about how to prevent workplace burnout - what the science says but also what I learned from my experience. I believe talking about burnout diminishes its power over us and helps us feel less alone with our struggles.
Read part 2 here:
Read part 3 here:
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I have been a nurse for over 40 years . I love it . I have an MSN. However , I’m so glad my career is ending and not beginning . What hospitals and administrators ask nurses to do is super human and it has really hurt our profession. Self care must be a priority for all healthcare professionals. I’m so glad you found it in nature and gardening. I also found it on the yoga mat and in reading. You might want to consider an MFA instead of a MSN . It might really expand your writing career and make you so much happier.
Nature therapy is the best! Thanks for sharing your beautiful photos. I have toyed with the notion of going back for a masters degree a few times, but always managed to talk myself out of it while researching schools. :)